Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
me irl
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.