Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Gods work.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
