@m1ss_chief

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

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@platinum2000

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

@meatlobes

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

@geowizzacist

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

@thatdutchperson

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

@TheToddWilliams

Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.

@E_lok44

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

@caliluvgirl77

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@david8hughes

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.