@m1ss_chief

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

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@Darlainky

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

@erichwithach

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

@thegayfarmerguy

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@briancthayer

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

@carlyken

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@RocketRankoon

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.