“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Galileo Galilei (1564-1642) played a major role in the scientific revolution even though he was such a poor boy and nobody loved him.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.