Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.


My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.


The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.


Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”


*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE


me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now


No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.


My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.