Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….