Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
two people or more is called a problem
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!