Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
