Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.