Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You Might Also Like
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car