Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Why soy sad?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.