“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
Is….Is this an option?
Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.