Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.