Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.