Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
buying dead houseplants to save time
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
only 11 steps left
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*