Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
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Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Genius idea!!
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge