Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
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Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Your honor these allegations are
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah