Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
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True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.