Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
🐕🍷
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Terribly Tuesday.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Morning.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.