Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
look scared
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
scares
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My dad.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
