Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
new shirt idea
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”