Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.