Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one