Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Uh oh…
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.