Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.