Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The Book. The Movie.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you