Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My teenage children choosing violence
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Just parrot things
I can’t stop watching this.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.