Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body