Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

don’t message me unless you have this energy

Thaw me like one of your french fries

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.