Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.