Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does