Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
You Might Also Like
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
shampoo implies shampee
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
a god among men
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“i miss shittin on people”
