Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.