Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.