Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

I have two kinds of followers

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]