Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

man: wait

time: no

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.