Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Can you solve the riddle??
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
i want it utterly assaulted.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related