Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)