Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Hawk o the mornin tuah
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.