Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*