Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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Feels like the fourth month in January
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.