Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
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dark side of the loom
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters