Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real bees work best

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

Windows

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”