of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You Might Also Like
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
The days of good grammer has went
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”