of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
For those that worship cheese..
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*