of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”