of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
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A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond