of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
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The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
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When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
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Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.