Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.