Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.