Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.