Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.