Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

only 11 steps left

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Best spot.. 😅

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

what’s the point then??

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate