Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
new shirt idea
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?