Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.