Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
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Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.