Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

For the orator and chef in all of us

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

when you are just born a rebel

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.