Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too