Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Just a reminder, folks:
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
smartest karate player in the world
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.