Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach