Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me