Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
