Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Ah..makes sense now

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.