Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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but not shoes.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon