@Michabean

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

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@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@hermanntrude

The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.

@Dawn_M_

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

@SarahArcherM

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

@xLiserx

It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.