Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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the battle rages on
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia