If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
umm…
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
craving $300 all of a sudden
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.