Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.