Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me when my alarm goes off
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.