Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.