Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do dragons blow out candles?

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

GOD: Sharp pincers

CRAB: Thats dope

GOD: Hard shell

CRAB: Hell ya

GOD: Delicious legs lmao

CRAB: Wtf

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Oops 🤭

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.