Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
me in a relationship:
Me when my alarm goes off
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times