Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

Good morning

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

For anyone who needs this today

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes