Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I have obtained a hat
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute