Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?

ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.

DON: And the boy?

ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.