Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971