Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture

incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo