Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Don’t tell me what to do
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.