Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Dolls on drugs
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
#growingpains
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”