Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LMAO

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

These are my roll models.