Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!