Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Can. I. Help. You.