If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
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We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.
When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”
Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example
My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me
My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.
Our grocery store is out of the bagels I love so my husband said we should just make our own and oh my god I’m still laughing best ab workout ever
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.