@JustCallMeFrank

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

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@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

@SamDeLanche

We only speak to our two year old with a British accent. She’s going to be the coolest kindergartner in Kansas.

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@DepressedDarth

My wife left me, my best friend tried to kill me with a lightsaber, both of my kids led a rebellion against me and my boss tried to get my son to kill me, but at least my grandson likes me

@AverageCorners

My sleeping pills say to take them and immediately go to bed, but I feel like I have plenty of time, so km ufmcmszbv ishzn hdu flerf.

@VisionBored1

Our grocery store is out of the bagels I love so my husband said we should just make our own and oh my god I’m still laughing best ab workout ever

@e4moji

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

@Mikecanrant

There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.

@SirEviscerate

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.