Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You Might Also Like
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
yeet
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.