Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Ummm 😳

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’