Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.