Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Oh my God.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”