Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

I have a type: disappointing

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.