Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
There is wisdom there.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Ah yes. The three genders
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.